


The Halo Around the Moon

by Pepsi (Pepsiiii)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Universe, Character Study, He is a teenager though so take that as is, If you like Tsukishima even a little bit read this, M/M, Multi, No Smut, Suggestive Themes, Tsukishima Kei-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepsiiii/pseuds/Pepsi
Summary: ‘Kei didn’t fall in love. He grew accustomed to someone over time, their presence becoming commonplace within his life naturally and as such he began to expect them. That expectation very quickly grew into a passionate sense of want but never anything close to love.’A character study focused solely on our favorite Karasuno middle blocker and his ongoing relations with the people in his life.
Relationships: Haiba Lev/Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Tsukishima Kei & Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 61
Kudos: 98





	1. Tsukishima Cleans the Gym.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you my wonderful Betas and GF for supporting me through this. I couldn't do it without your constant attention.

月

The cold air flooding into Kei’s lungs was the first thing he ever felt. 

It was a cold, windy day when he was born. The hospital had just been cleaned that morning, the scent of bleach and alcohol in every room and his family had been waiting for him anxiously. In the hospital room sat a young woman and not far from her was her firstborn. Both of them had been in the hospital for hours waiting. 

Kei’s mother had been having contractions for a few hours now, but she couldn’t find herself feeling much pain. It was almost scary how painless the whole day was. With her first child, the minutes had gone by like years, each longer than the previous, and the pain cling to her like a vice. But now? Now she couldn’t feel a thing. 

“Just a little longer now- they’re itching to come out.”

Akiteru sometimes forgot his mom was pregnant. She never really got sick or felt bad, nor did she act differently than she ever had with him. The only things different were the frequent bathroom breaks, extra sleep, and a bigger stomach— but to a child, all those things were easy to ignore. As he sat in the waiting room (far from his parents and  _ brother? Sister _ ?) he thought about all the things he wanted to do as a big brother. He mainly thought about playing volleyball with his new sibling. A small smile came to his face as he imagined hitting the ball back and forth with them. 

Kei was born a little after 1 in the morning. The sky was still dark and the halls were still clean and the cold air was still cold. The doctors had been waiting for Kei to scream, cry, wail. Anything. But he was next to silent. The only sounds in the room were the heavy breaths of a mother of two, and the quiet cries of a newborn Kei. 

☾

Kei didn’t  _ fall  _ in love. He grew accustomed to someone over time, their presence becoming commonplace within his life naturally and as such he began to expect them. That expectation very quickly grew into a passionate sense of  _ want  _ but never anything close to love. 

Kei didn’t  _ love  _ the man across from him. Love was difficult and complicated. Compared to the raw never-ending cycle of pure want- no  _ need _ \- it was just made more sense to stay apart. 

It must also be noted that Kei, for all his never-ending intellect, had very abstract definitions of certain words. To  _ ‘love’  _ something was just wanting spelled differently. (the lines between love and obsession tended to get blurred but that's beside the point). Kei didn’t have the urge to find love and cherish them as if they were a star. He had never felt that with anything or anyone. Kei had just wanted and needed his whole life. 

He  _ wanted  _ to continue to look up to his brother, his shadow being the best place to watch in awe. He  _ needed _ to have his mother close by as a child; clinging to her like a lifeline, should he ever let go he surely would perish alone to his own insecurities like a helpless animal waiting to die. He  _ wanted  _ the stares of his classmates to disappear instantly (his height and complexion tended to attract the eyes of all and that alone killed Kei).  _ Needed  _ the feeling of music flowing through his head as he worked, the melody helping the tangled up mess of his thoughts be translated into something he himself could understand. 

When it came to people outside his family, wanting and needing turned sour— _fast_. 

Kei’s first crush was a testament to this. He had been in middle school towards the end of his second year. The days were spent side by side with his best friend and the cold air. No matter what month it was Kei had a tendency to feel a deep-rooted chill, the kind that one felt in their bones, underneath the clothes and skin. Said chill came with an itch, unscratchable by his own hands, somewhere far from reach on his body. As usual, Yamaguchi was as loyal as ever, and Kei’s unspoken  _ want  _ for Yamaguchi’s presence in his life had officially reached the  _ need  _ category. As the  _ want  _ for his friend grew, the chill and the itch faded into the background of Kei’s mind as if it were never there to begin with. They were basically inseparable. Kei had always been the touchy one in the friendship, but in public it was hard to tell. They walked together to and from school, around and around, every day without fail. Hands bumping together, shoulders touching, elbows colliding. Yet everyday Kei longed for more. He  _ wanted  _ to confess— something. The words were lost to the usually sharp-tongued Kei and in an instant left was right and up was down. Nothing made sense. It was a perfect sort of hell. Sometimes Kei could find himself imagining  _ something.  _ Something soft and sweet, or hard and rough, but it was always something. At some point, Kei had decided to simply say what had plagued him so deeply. ‘ _ I need you. I need you I need you I need you I need you I need— you.’  _

Of course, this was never said and slowly but surely the never-ending itch underneath Kei’s skin, the cold deep within his bones, returned as calmly as if left. Yamaguchi wasn’t something Kei  _ wanted  _ anymore. He already had him as close as possible. Touches grew bolder- but never as bold as they once could have been. Hugs didn’t linger, stares didn’t burn. Kei was content— and cold. 

His second crush wasn’t as unavoidable.

One blessing (in disguise) about longing for your best (and only) friend, is the fact that Kei, in a backwards sort of way, had no real time to think about his little new found obsession. Yamaguchi was always  _ right there  _ and any wrong move meant losing  _ his  _ Yamaguchi and Kei couldn’t risk that. No matter how emotional, Tsukishima Kei always thought of the big picture. It was also convenient that puberty had yet to hit Kei like a damn brick. His dreams and thoughts at worse was a peck on the lips and a long hand-holding session. But once he hit high school every emotion when from it's previous stable 4 to an erratic 10. The one thing stopping the world from knowing Kei was an emotional disaster was the- damn good- poker face Kei had mastered as a young emotionally stunted child. 

Tokito was another faceless guy in the crowd at first. He had been transferred to Kei’s math class a little after placing the top of his previous class consistently for a few months. Kei never cared. He probably wouldn’t ever care. Or he wouldn’t have if Tokito hadn’t pointed out his special gacha good luck dino pencils were cool. 

“Ah! Tsukishima-san those are really cool pencils! Did they come in a set?”

In that instant the itch disappears; in its wake is left the frantic beating of a young Kei’s heart. The chill is gone, replaced with a warm  _ hum _ of …  _ something  _ down Kei’s spine and he can’t place it yet but he would almost say he likes it. 

Tokito sits in front of Kei, their seats were so close Kei could touch the back of the other boy’s head without stretching his arm out to its full length. Kei would sit and stare at that head of hair in front of him pointedly for days at a time (one hour of class) without pause. He imagined running his hands through the long hair in front of him. The black locks would get caught every now and then because Tokito never seemed to comb his hair, but Kei didn’t mind because it was just another part of the boy he  _ wanted.  _ They’d then face each other and close the gap. They’d kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. (Kei had no experience with any sort of kissing past watching his mother's dramas and peaking on the older students around campus. He had no idea how to kiss or what actually happened but- he knew they’d do  _ a lot  _ of it).

Kei spent months behind Tokito and never shared more than a sentence or two with him. The distance between them was too great, and Kei had never been one for mending bridges let alone building one from the ground up. So for the remainder of his days as a first-year, he stared at the back of a head. Waiting and wishing and  _ wanting  _ more than he ever had. 

Towards this point in his life, Kei had grown accustomed to the gradual changes in his sense of attraction towards others. It wasn’t particularly rare anymore. For every day he spent around other boys his age he grew less and less attached to the idea of ever having a romance with any one of them. He thought of one pushing him to the walls and starting something Kei couldn’t finish alone though. 

He thought of that _plenty_. 

But as his crushes grew few and farther in between, the itching began to eat away at him more and more. As if a piece was missing from the puzzle, Kei was stuck staring at a picture unfinished to his eyes (it was more like the whole box was missing and Kei had been staring at a blank space waiting for something to happen. It never did).

Then Kei joined his school’s volleyball team. And for the first time— Kei had been cold, itchy and hotter than ever. 

‘I  _ want.  _ I  _ want.  _ I  _ want.  _ I  _ want.  _ I  _ want.  _ I  _ want. _

I _want—_ _need’_

_ 月 _

__

A few months into being an active member of Karasuno’s volleyball team Kei was introduced to Lev. 

__

Unbeknownst to everyone, Kei had an inherent weakness to some of the members in Nekoma’s volleyball team. Kenma was soft and quiet but so very smart. He saw everything and to someone who tries to go unnoticed, like Kei, that was dangerous. The danger was new to Kei and- for once welcomed with cold, open arms. This was never said of course and Kenma and Kei never became close, but on a few separate occasions, they could be found chatting happily about a video game they both enjoyed. Kei found these newfound conversions with Kenma chaste and comfortable. They were fine.

__

Kuroo was a different case entirely, but not in a negative sense. Kuroo was loud and obnoxious. He laughed as loudly as he lived— of which was too loud. He looked messy and acted messy, but was anything but in the management of his team. Kei could respect that. He could also respect the skin-tight training shorts Kuroo and his team wore when practicing, but that was a given. Kuroo and Kenma were both very smart in their own respective areas. Even if being around Kuroo made Kei pissed--and uncomfortably warm and itchy, the feeling no different to how he felt in changing rooms after a hard played game. The older boy was competent and easy to bounce insults off of. Kuroo was pure rubber. Just what Kei needed to get some steam off. Kenma was more like plastic when it came to emotions. Simple, easy, but very useful in everything, which was just fine with Kei. It was a change he enjoyed (his comments were laughed at in his own team, everyone took it in good fun but their reactions were a bit too… lively).

__

But then he met Lev. 

__

Big, stupid, Russian Lev.

__

The first thing wrong was Lev was taller than Kei. That was rare. No one in volleyball was taller than him usually— especially not fellow first years. The second thing was the fact that Lev was, once you stripped away the height, nationality and silver hair, Hinata. 

__

Kei already had his own messy thoughts about the little giant as is, but now here he stands 2x taller with a new silver and red coat of paint and suddenly staring is the least of Kei’s problem. With Hinata he never (always) wanted to hold him or be held lovingly. They were just too close in proximity to test those waters (let it be known Kei wanted to dive into those waters as if he was a poor boy going through the worst drought of his life, soaking up every drop, floating listlessly as the waves moved him along, and his own hopeless feelings were let out to drift alongside him for as long as he could bear to swim). But Lev, for all his Hinata similarities,  _ wasn’t  _ Hinata.

__

They weren’t on the same team.

__

It had happened a little after the first day of training camp. Kuroo and Bokuto had been laughing about something or another while Akaashi watched tiredly from the sidelines, adding his input every now and then. Bokuto and Akaashi were a completely separate can of worms, a very pretty and beefy and yummy and sweet yet untouchable, can of worms that Kei would tackle in his thoughts on another day. For now, he found himself standing above Lev, of who was laying on the floor, panting like a dying dog. 

__

“You’re incompetent.”

__

Lev just stared at him with a surprised expression. 

__

“Well, YOUR blocks suck ass!”

__

What was Kei supposed to say back to that? ‘Yes well, you can suck  _ my  _ ass’? He wasn’t 12. He decided to not dignify that with a response, the only sign of him hearing what Lev said came in the form of a single arched-eyebrow as he drank his water. 

__

Through the following hour, their comments back and forth continued to the entertainment of their elders. 

__

“Lev be careful with your retrieves… they’re looking sloppy.”

__

“Tsukki! Might wanna drink some milk after this, makes your bones stronger!”

__

“How can you be on a team of cats and act like a giant dog?”

__

“How can you be on a team of crows and be a giant DICK!”

__

At the half-hour mark Bokuto, while laughing, physically had to hold back Lev from lunging at Kei. But by the end of the practice, both boys had only strived to piss the other off more. Kei was openly tired and more than a little pissed he actually enjoyed the company of the four other players yet he wasn’t allowed to leave just yet. 

__

“Both of you put the balls away, put the net down and finally lock up!” Kuroo had said as he, Bokuto and Akaashi walked out of the gym, each singing their own version of ‘goodnight; sleep well’. Their laughter rang throughout the gym long after they’d left, leaving only Lev and Kei alone staring at each other. 

__

“Ugh don’t look at me like you’re gonna scream my ears off.”

__

Kei had officially grown too tired to keep up the mean but polite attitude he adopted around the older students. Lev was on the same level as him, if not lower, and as such he got no extra respect from Kei. To prove how little respect he got Kei began to clean up without him. 

__

As he picked up the balls around the gym, throwing each into their respective basket, he let himself be sucked into his favorite place—dream world. 

__

_ Hinata. Kageyama. Hinata. Kageyama…. dumb and dumber… stupid-ish and stupidest… idiot 1 and 2… pretty boy setter and adorable ace… king and shrimp… blue and orange…  _

__

“Tsukki! Come help me put the net away! I’m not doing it alone!” 

__

Kei had been awoken from his daydreaming by Lev’s voice and if his expression gave anything away, Lev was none the wiser. With a sigh Kei pushed the ball basket back to its place by the storage locker and headed towards the opposite side of the net. Usually taking the net down was the job of anyone else due to the fact that Kei went home the second practice was over, thereby leaving the job to one of the two idiots who stay behind. 

__

Was Kei bad at taking the net down? Somewhat. Did Lev know this? No. But as they began taking the net down, lefts and rights got mixed making the job much harder than it had to be.

__

“ _ Left  _ Lev.”

__

“It’s supposed to go off  _ right  _ first Tsukki!”

__

As if possible their squabbling kept going as they entered the dark storage closet, making sure to at least put the net in its right place.

__

“You’re such a dick!”

__

“Is that your word of the day Lev? You’ve used it a lot to describe me.”

__

“It’s because that’s what you are! A dick!”

__

Kei had been fiddling with something else as Lev continued to yell at him, his back being the only thing Lev could see. They were close, almost cramped in the storage room since all the equipment took up most of the space. 

__

“I’m almost touched… almost.”

__

“You have to fix that nasty attitude of yours! It sucks! I can’t stand it!”

__

It was dark and cramped. They were alone and had next to a zero percent chance of anyone coming to find them. Yamaguchi had to be chatting with the other players, maybe Yachi, and dinner wouldn’t be served for another hour or so. There was- for once- nothing to lose, all to gain. At least for a few minutes.

__

Fuck it.

__

“Do something about it then  _ Lev.” _

__

The sound of steps on the concrete floor, some objects being moved out of the way and the feeling of hands (big hands- warm hands- different hands) on Kei’s back as he was turned around. Bright green eyes bared down at his own, the difference in height was refreshing but more than anything exciting. 

__

“Well?”

__

The feeling of lips against his own was a new one. Kei doesn’t remember exactly what he expected (fireworks, light, a feeling unlike any other. Magic and warmth and happiness to envelop him like a blanket until he was wrapped up and never let go. Hearts would physically pop out of his chest and his body would turn to mush underneath the hands of the boy to take his first- no  _ give  _ him his first kiss. Eyes glassy, glasses fogged, mind hazy. The works) 

__

It was wet and warm and different. Hands were fumbling around, glasses clinking with noses, eventually, Kei was pushed to the wall for some sort of stability. Kei found himself opening his eyes only to see Lev’s red face- and his now open and dazed eyes. Kei quickly closed his own; his inner thoughts somehow managing to make the whole thing even more difficult to enjoy (who opens their fucking eyes? God damn it Kei he’s gonna think you’re insane or worse- _really really_ _into it)._ He tried to focus on just making sure his hands were in the right place, just as he’d read online, making sure to move his hands to around Lev’s neck. 

__

Kei gave access to his mouth by opening slightly for air and Lev has pushed even more. It was tentative and rushed and a lot. Kei tasted some kind of mint, but mostly salt. His mind wandered as Lev broke away for a moment before moving to his neck. 

__

_ Ugh, does he drink his own sweat or something after practice- oh god this is better than I thought- Lev is fast and … I’m really really realllllly into this… now he's licking my- I- my neck feels so warm- hot, and wet and did he just bite me? Oh, he just bit me. Wow, he really is a dog.  _

__

“Tsukki…”

__

_ God, I think I’m a dog person.  _

__

“No- no mark.” Kei gasped. At this Lev pulled back a bit and set his head on Kei’s shoulder. 

__

“Call me impressed Tsukki. I didn’t think anything could shut you up!”

__

“Fuck off.”

__

“We have to do that again.”

__

“Shut up. This isn’t permanent Lev.”

__

“Fine by me!” Lev sang into Kei’s neck. 

__

Kei’s fingers gently guided Lev’s face back to his own, letting his thoughts drift away as he immerses himself in the newfound pleasure of making out and more importantly making out with  _ Lev _ .

__

That night when Kei walked back to his team’s room, he found himself red from his head to his toes. No one seemed to know what happened, just assuming the practice went long- they were far more interested in the fact that Kei practiced at all- and as the night came to a close Kei let his eyes close and he came to the conclusion that he  _ needed  _ to do that again. And he did. Multiple times over the span of 5 more days. Quick meetups during breaks, when they weren’t running hellish laps up and down the hills or doing painful floor drills. Bathrooms, empty hallway corners, storage rooms, behind buildings— anywhere they could meet up they did. Sometimes it was passionate, sometimes it was just to pass the time, but it was always brief and better than the previous session. 

__

As the buses pulled into the parking lot, and Kei began his trek to the bus, he thought about how he had shared his first kiss and currently best kiss with Nekoma’s newest member. They waved goodbye to the other teams and Kei sent a single smile, faint and easy to deny, as he waved at Lev. Their experimental meetups were over, and while Kei had come into this camp  _ wanting  _ he came out  _ needing  _ more than ever. 

__

月


	2. Tsukishima Uses His Pen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi had never made him feel this way. Even subconsciously he was soothing and supportive- knowingly or not. Why couldn’t the others be this way? Why couldn’t Kei just have a guy come and sweep him off his feet? What was so difficult about that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has a healthy and safe new year! I'm gonna drown myself in apple cider before the new season kills me dead!

月

At some point, Kei decided waiting for an idiot to call him was an inefficient use of one’s time. It made no sense really. Did Kei give his phone number to Lev? No. Did Kei give any of Lev’s teammates his phone number? No. Did Lev have  _ any  _ possible way to contact Kei without actively asking him or someone close to him for his contact information? No. 

But that shouldn’t have stopped Lev from texting Kei. 

_ Click _

It wasn’t like Lev had no way to contact him— in theory. He could have asked Kei. If he didn’t want to ask him he could have asked Kenma to ask Hinata to ask Kei. If that was too difficult (Lev had, during one of their many sessions, gone into great detail about his fear of Kenma, the devil.) he could have just as easily asked Kuroo to ask Bokuto to ask Akaashi to eventually ask Daichi, but due to Daichi’s polite and honest disposition he would never give his dear underclassmen’s number away immediately and instead would direct them to Hinata who would in his own way lengthen the process considerably before finally ending with Yamaguchi passing the number back down the line until it finally ended back in Lev’s hands, ready for its intended use of cute emojis and, as Yamaguchi called it, ‘late-night booty calls’. 

Kei had thought it all out. So he didn’t understand why Lev hadn’t done his due diligence and just  _ gotten Kei’s fucking number  _ yet. 

_ Click _

Maybe he didn’t even like Kei. Sure they spent almost ¼ of the entire training camp with their tongues down each other’s throats (and kissing each other’s necks, shoulders, cheeks, chins, ears, noses and on one very special sessions  _ lips _ ) but what if that wasn’t enough to make a guy like Kei? Lev was a city boy- shitty boy- through and through. Maybe the loud practice matches, large dinners, and exhausting nightly training didn’t build the connection Kei thought it did. Maybe nothing was mutual. Kei missed the mark and spent a week (give or take) with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him past the physical. It was nothing more than a ‘ _ One-time thing.’  _ In Kei’s words. 

Or maybe Lev was just a  _ dick.  _

_ Click _

He didn’t understand the charm of a small town, middle of nowhere, unknown middle blocker. Kei was great. Tall, blonde, smart as hell, kinda into volleyball, calm yet snarky and did he say cool? Because he is. Sure maybe Kei wasn’t beautiful. He had stretch marks all over his body: the long and ranged purple lines littering his back; the thinner sharper white lines all over his thighs; the few thicker marks around his hips and torso— sure that wasn’t what made a guy handsome but it could be overlooked easily. His glasses were small and rectangular, unlike the currently in fashion and much cuter round moon frames seen on all the girls and fashionable guys but they worked fine and fit him. And he was a bit long and gangly at times but Lev was taller than him so that shouldn’t even begin to be a problem. All in all, Kei was great. Not good looking- not like  _ some  _ of the people in their camp but he was fine. He was Kei. Wasn’t that enough? 

_ Click _

‘ _ Apparently not.’ _ Was the decided answer to his questions. After a week of long hard thinking, Kei found himself in his first-period class staring at the board but seeing nothing at all. Memories and sensations from the previous 2 weeks flooded his mind and had it not been for his truly unmatched poker face Kei’s classmates would have seen a tomato where a head should be. He sat there, letting his mind replay the same moments over and over as his body ran on autopilot. Pen clicking was the only thing tethering Kei to the physical world, the sides of his paper proof of said clicking shown by the faint dots there. The most baffling part was that Kei wasn’t like this all week. 

_ Click _

The first week right after the camp was an energetic one. A lot of factors went into Kei’s newfound energy. The training with Akaashi and his fools, Bokuto’s inspiring speech (of which Kei still didn’t really understand), the lasting satisfaction of visiting a new place, Yamaguchi becoming the coolest person Kei knew and having his mind (and maybe body, soul and maybe even his overall world view) blown multiple times behind gyms and inside gym closets. All of that culminated in a newer, brighter, more alive Kei. 

_ Click _

For exactly 32 hours. To anyone who didn’t know him, nothing changed. But for anyone who did those 32 hours felt like something entirely new. but that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. It was 32 hours. 

_ Click _

By Thursday Kei had come off his new romantic high and fell back to earth— hard. He woke up to the sounds of silence. Absolute silence paired with the lingering sense of loneliness tended to make Kei grumpy but now that he had a sort of  _ reference  _ to what he was missing, it was hell. It wasn’t obvious at first. At first, Kei just seemed like he had come off his high from camp and was back to his stingy self. No more bright eyes and warm cheeks. Just Kei as he always was.

But not really. 

_ Click _

Now Kei sat in class stuck in his own mind going through the stages of crushing grief. The ‘elated phase’ was right after the camp, then came ‘acceptance’, and now Kei was simmering in his own anger and self-doubt in the ‘pissed phase’.

_ Click  _

Throughout everything Kei’s mind had been far from the troubles that plagued him at the start of the camp all those weeks ago. No Kageyama and no Hinata to make him doubt his mental state and heart. Just one tall, stupid Russian city boy with too much enthusiasm. But in moments like this- with the thinking and the silence- voices played in his mind like a broken record. 

_ Click click.  _

‘ _ Tsukishima!’ _

Now Kei had three idiots on his mind. As if two or one wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough to satisfy him. 

‘ _ Stingyshima!!!’ _

_ Click click _

Yamaguchi had never made him feel this way. Even subconsciously he was soothing and supportive- knowingly or not. Why couldn’t the others be this way? Why couldn’t Kei just have a guy come and sweep him off his feet? What was so difficult about that? 

“Tsukishima!”

_ Click click click click click _

What was so fucking impossible about  _ needing  _ affection from idiots? What’s so- 

“Tsukki!”

His pen was broken. 

“Deafshima! Did you not hear us calling you?” 

“Are you ok Tsuki? Class ended minutes ago…”

Had class ended? Kei was too busy damning god to notice everyone had left class. The only people inside was Kei and the standing Yamaguchi and Hinata. Their curious stares only pissed Kei off more and in a fit of utter pissy rage he got up and calmly left the room, leaving his teammates behind.

-

It had happened towards the end of practice. Hinata was busy practicing his revives over and over again like a fool and Kageyama was right next to him doing the same. Kei had begun to stay behind longer with the rest of the team for practice (his motivations aren’t important) but even with his new mindset, he’d never spend the amount of excess time the perfect duo spent on practice. Not as he was. 

For some reason or another: maybe it was the exhaustion from practice; less than happy attitude; overall disappointment and anger at his life as a whole, Kei called out to Hinata. For a moment Kei regretted it. That ball of orange stopped moving and turned until a face was looking back at Kei. With a quick hand movement, a summons, Hinata was standing in front of Kei. 

It was the moment of truth. 

“What- What is Lev’s phone number” 

Hinata blinked at him. 

Hinata opened his mouth.

“I needed to ask him something about our training in the third gym. Don’t get confused. We aren’t friends.”

They were friends. Weren’t they? They ate lunch together and laughed together and chatted enough. That's what friends did. That’s what Yamaguchi and Kei did. The only real difference was the fact they swapped spit on occasion. Kei didn’t really know what I meant to have new friends at this point and he was too afraid to ask. 

“Mmm… ok!” Just as quickly as he came he left to go back to practice. 

Throughout the walk home, the entering of his house and his usual nightly routine Kei thought about Lev. 

During dinner He thought about his ugly haircut that was too smooth to fit his face; those eyesores he liked to call eyes, all green and bright, that stood out like a sore thumb combined with his pale complexion; the fact he was taller then Kei and was disgustingly happy with that fact; his shitty jokes and bratty attitude when things didn’t go his way.

While he brushed his teeth Kei thought of their kisses. The nasty, too long, overly wet, unnecessarily touchy kissing sessions. The sessions outside during the hot summer in Tokyo, his body tired and sweaty from throwing balls around all day like animals but his mind alive and buzzing from throwing balls around like animals. The feeling of big hands on his hips, arms, hands, face, ears, neck, back— anywhere they could reach. Too big, ugly even. The sessions where they had gotten too hasty, too far gone from their senses to even notice the fact someone was close by or dinner had started. Those sessions. 

As he got out the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist and dried his hair he thought of Lev’s- frankly- subpar volleyball playing. The way he blocked and spiked, his long arms slow and clumsy against Kei’s. His crappy revives and loud cheers when they won, his bright smile and deep frowns when Yaku praised or hit him. 

Once Kei laid down for his nightly breather he thought of Lev’s voice and the utter garbage that spewed out of it. The highs of his voice when yelling and the lows when whispering in Kei’s ears. In these moments, separated by time Kei thought of Lev and how much he didn’t understand him nor his feelings for him. 

This whole thing was like a puzzle to Kei— a puzzle with missing pieces and the few that he does have are for different puzzles and also the puzzle is blank and invisible and Kei is blind and can’t read the instructions for this puzzle because he also never had the instructions, to begin with. 

But he finally realized he didn’t like Lev. They were too different. Kei didn’t have a crush he just  _ wanted  _ something. Something he didn’t need to name. Kei didn’t feel anything anymore. It was over. Done.

Kei felt a buzz come from his phone and checked only to find a single message from Hinata.

**9:45**

**Idiot 1**

_ （＾∇＾）Lev: xxx-xxx-xxx _

And just like that Kei had the number of his current crush. 

月

Two weeks of sitting on his ass later Kei finally texted Lev. 

Well— Kei didn’t text anyone. Yamaguchi did. The whole affair was quick, to say the least. Kei was in the bathroom and came back to see Yamaguchi sitting and staring at the T.V screen. Thinking nothing of it, he sat back down to resume watching whatever movie they had put on, none the wiser. An hour later while alone in his bed Kei lost himself as he scrolled through his twitter. Pictures of musicians and American memes flashed in front of his eyes but it was the single text notification that made him feel a need to put his glasses back on.

**Lev**

_ ヽ(‘ ∇‘ )ノ TSUUKI! HEYYYYY _

Kei would never admit he screamed but he screamed.

Lev had finally texted him. It only took 4 weeks but that's nothing! In the grand scheme of things, it was only a second of hesitation of Lev’s part and Kei can understand that. The tall blonde is intimidating to a fault and not just anyone was confident enough to text him. Especially not after all the things they did together! Lev was mortified and a little scared but probably just turned on and too stupid to take the first step.

Except Lev didn’t take the first step. Kei did. 

But neither did he. Someone had sent a message to Lev first. Someone using Kei’s phone. 

After sitting for a moment Kei decided going to jail for manslaughter wasn’t worth the trouble and if nothing else Yamaguchi did him a favor. But Yamaguchi didn’t need to know that. Ever.

_ TSUKI! Soo gud to tlak to u!! (ﾟヮﾟ)(ﾟヮﾟ) _

_ I didn’t know you typed with your feet. _

_ dont b so meane! _

_ Uh huh. So _

_ Sooooooo （＾∇＾） _

_ What are you doing next week?. _

月

Before one could understand Kei’s infatuation with Lev, one would have to come to the realization that Tsukishima Kei had a type. 

He also had the social skills of a 13th-century nobleman who has yet to meet the common folk of his province and as such is stuck at a loss on how to act in any way past ignorantly insensitive and overly curious about their loud, dirty lives. 

With this in mind, it wasn’t impossible to grasp the idea Kei didn’t truly understand why the infamous idiot duo was so… them. More so why they made his heart do that thing it does- flipping and the burning and the  _ itching _ — 

But Kei is over them. Supposedly. 

Kei was very upset at them (himself). Furious even. And they didn’t even know it. They didn’t know they, in a single instant, broke his heart into a billion thousand pieces that fell onto the floor and then were stomped on until they were dust at which someone (probably Hinata) poured molten hot water all over the dust until a disgusting, muddy, bloody mess of a heart milkshake was on the floor. 

With all this in mind— now Kei was forced to look another boy, a boy very  _ very _ similar to the previous boys, in the eye and try to make something real out of the bare connection they shared brought on by simply licking into each other’s mouths for 3 days. 

But then the question must be asked. What happened to make Kei so hurt? So bitter? So completely and utterly against the idea of having anything to do with Kageyama Tobio and Hinata Shoyou? 

They said they liked him.

月

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh? Did you enjoy the chapter? 
> 
> Wonderful! 
> 
> HMU on twitter or in the comments and praise me for it then ;0


	3. Tsukishima goes on a train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their hands were intertwined. Holding each other. It was kinda dry and a bit wet somehow. Lev had a bandaid on his ring finger and Kei could feel each rub of the cheap plastic tape on his own skin. How long had they been holding hands? Was holding hands this early into a date allowed? Kei read online somewhere that holding hands was a second date activity at best and if really emotional end of the first date. But the beginning? That’s too soon! Did Lev even know what he was doing to Kei? Did he know the mess he’s caused?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TSUKKI IM IN LOVE WITH YOU SIR!!! LEV U TOO KING
> 
> oh enjoy the chapter too lol

月

Sometimes it was easy to forget Kei was a teenager with little to no experience in anything past school and volleyball. It was understandable sure, Kei seemed like he truly had his shit together in ways no regular 16 year old could. But then in moments away from the classroom, away from the court, the truth came to light for all to see, as if it was a mysterious stranger hiding behind a thin curtain waiting to be noticed. The stranger wasn't a secret; everyone knew them and yet for Kei they seemed unseen. 

Who was the stranger so clear yet unknown? Said beautiful stranger was known as ‘teenage stupidity‘. At no time did this stupidity shine like when Kei had to look a beautiful boy in the face while trying to not implode. 

They had met up in Tokyo of course. After a short conversation with his mother (by short he means 30 minutes of his mother hounding him for information on this  _ friend _ and what they were going to do in the big city that was so far from their small province.) Kei was allowed to go on his outing (Date? Hangout? Most romantic day of his entire life?). 

Picking an outfit for his date- he decided that if he was going to fret over a boy this much he at least deserved to refer as any meet up as a date- was difficult. What was considered too much and what was not enough? They’ve never hung out outside of volleyball so it wasn’t like Kei could build his outfit around Lev’s own style. 

(He wouldn’t do that anyway it’s weird. He isn’t weird.) 

So there sat Kei staring at his closet and contemplating his own attractiveness. He eventually decided to go the safest route and pick a simple outfit of jeans and a green hoodie with a large jacket to go on top. Green looked good on him. Tanaka and Noya said it brought out his ‘uncomfortably beautiful eyes’ and while usually a comment like that would be crushed underneath a scolding ‘shut up’, Kei took it to heart, said ‘thank you’ and used it as advice for moments like this. 

Kei walked out into the cold air letting out a quiet “I’m off” and let his mind wander as he walked towards the train station. These days his thoughts seemed to flow freer than before.

Kei liked to imagine it was like a box of confetti. Each piece was a thought; some thoughts clumped together creating an entirely new piece bigger than the rest and some were ripped up underneath the mass of the others around them. But the box was secure. Until Kei began to feel things. The boys- oh so many boys- each coming with their wonderful, grubby hands and pulling as much confetti out as they could before they were stopped. Usually, as the ground was littered with this confetti- they’re his thoughts remember that- Kei would gradually clean up and remove the problem. The boys would leave, the torment known as having his thoughts thrown around against his control would end and he’d be ok again. But then came Lev. Lev came and with his stupidly big hands, and grabbed everything. He kept grabbing and grabbing; throwing it all into the air and no sooner did they get in the box did they get taken back out. Kei couldn’t even try to put them back, his own heart seemingly holding him back from stopping the unrelenting attack on his mind. 

Then as if not enough lev crushes the box! All of it! The confetti is on the floor, in the air— it is everywhere  _ except  _ the box. And Kei, so tired from constantly cleaning up these messes and forcing himself to take the pain of  _ wanting  _ and  _ needing,  _ lets it happen. He watches almost happily as the box is destroyed and sighs in awe as the confetti falls all around him looking oh so beautiful for once. 

But again this is all a metaphor for his thoughts, albeit a little more abstract than usual. With a huff, he continues to walk and pays it no mind. 

☾

He finds himself sitting on the train to Tokyo soon enough and as he lowers himself into his seat he goes over his plans for the date. They were supposed to meet up at the train station, walk over to a close-by shopping district, after an hour or two of walking around they’d stop at a nice little restaurant Kei had done some research on the week prior and finally end the day by seeing one of the new action movies that came out recently. It was translated from English. How exotic. 

Kei felt himself preen at the idea of the date playing out. It would go wonderfully. Lev would be putty in his hands faster than Kei could say his own name (and that was very fast). By the end of the day Lev would be  _ begging  _ Kei to be his boyfriend; probably with tears in his eyes or with some kind of pout on his face. His eyes would sparkle as they grew watery and with the perfect light and ambiance of the moment Kei would grab his hand and lean in close and let their lips get closer and closer until- 

_ “Welcome to Tokyo station _ !” 

And at the sound of the automated message ringing throughout the train Kei was pulled out of his fantasy and doused in the cold, cold waters of the real world. Blinking a few times and bringing his hand to his face to mask the blush he  _ knew  _ was painting his cheeks, Kei walked into the frigid air and looked around for his date. 

With as many people as there were it probably should have been difficult to find Lev but in perfect Lev fashion he stood out from the crowd like a sore thumb. A big, stupid, Russian thumb that is. 

He was on his phone looking at something. He used both hands. Who uses both hands when on their phones? Children. Children and excitable people. Hinata does it and half the people at the training camp did it and Noya does it and apparently- unsurprisingly- so does Lev. It didn’t matter though. Kei was still going to start the day off right and greet him as if he didn’t see him using his phone as if he’s never seen anything ever. He walked over and stood in front of Lev before saying, 

“You hold your phone weird.”

Fuck. Damn it. 

Lev looked up and frowned almost over dramatically. 

“Rude. Hello to you too asshole.” 

Shit. That was mean. Kei didn’t wanna be mean he wanted to be suave and hot and so fucking cool Lev literally fell for him. God damn it. 

“How am I supposed to hold my phone then huh?”

Kei just pulled out his own phone and held it (like a normal person) to show Lev and was Met with a less than amused expression. Kei noticed how Lev’s face did this thing when he was focusing on something. It was hard to explain. 

But his expression wasn’t important right now. What was important was the fact Kei needed to remedy the situation quickly. Say something nice. Something that’ll make Lev glad he came. 

“You- you look nice.” 

Did he stutter? Since when did Kei stutter? 

It wasn’t a lie though. He did look nice. Seeing how it was the first time Kei had seen Lev in anything but a practice jersey or the Nekoma team uniform (both somehow looking great on him but that’s irrelevant). He had on a (cute? Can Kei say cute? It was cute) long sleeve tee-shirt that had a small cat face on the right breast. It was a very small cat face, maybe the size of a fist? It was cute. Lev was cute. He had jeans on too. That was an important detail. 

Luckily this seemed to be enough to lift Lev’s mood easily enough. He had a smile on his face, a bright one but not to the point Kei felt that nasty itching all over. Just a nice one. 

“Thanks, Tsukki! You too!” 

Kei could feel his face heat up and to avoid Lev’s stare, especially when his face looked like  _ that,  _ Kei walked ahead outside the station making sure to pull Lev by his sleeve also. 

Once completely outside of the station, Kei let himself breathe in the frosty air and felt his lungs burn. He also felt the feeling of a larger hand enveloping his own. Looking down he was met with the image of Lev’s hand intertwined with his own. Lev wasn’t even looking at Kei either! He was just talking about something, something, Yaku-san and a bird outside. 

“So there I was inside the gym just waiting patiently for Yaku to come back and help me with some receives and after almost five minutes of waiting, I had to go look for him! Before you say anything five minutes is a LONG time to be alone in our gym! It’s giant! I got claustrophobic—”

Their hands were intertwined. Holding each other. It was kinda dry and a bit wet somehow. Lev had a bandaid on his ring finger and Kei could feel each rub of the cheap plastic tape on his own skin. How long had they been holding hands? Was holding hands this early into a date allowed? Kei read online somewhere that holding hands was a second date activity at best and if really emotional end of the first date. But the beginning? That’s too soon! Did Lev even know what he was doing to Kei? Did he know the mess he’s caused? 

So Kei disconnected their hands. He put his in his pocket and tried not to look into those big green eyes next to him, doing his best to also fight the heat on his face. Luckily for Kei, this was considered charming and coy; a simple-minded guy like Lev couldn’t stop himself from falling for someone like Kei, someone who seemingly didn’t want him.

“We’re my hands not warm enough?” Lev asked Kei. 

“They’re still really cold… your hand alone isn’t enough to fix that. Don't assume.”

In response, Lev just nodded his head and put his own hands in his pockets. 

☾

They were standing in front of a claw machine. All the prizes were cheaply made little plushies, all admittedly cute yes, but cheap no less. Lev has been trying to win one for the past 5 minutes. Kei lost track over how much money had been spent trying to win (it was 10 dollars) and instead kept checking his watch to make sure everything was on schedule. 

Soon they’d be going to the restaurant Kei choose and then after that, they’d go see their movie. Only a few hours left to kill in the shopping district and here they sat, wasting away in an arcade. Truthfully, it was fun. They had wandered inside after bickering a bit about which is better: cats or dogs (the answer is dogs) which led Kei to admitting he wasn’t really an animal person to which Lev found astonishing.

“You don’t like animals?”

“I didn’t say that— I just, they’re very smelly. And a lot of work.”

“I think animals are great! I love birds and cats! You remind me of a cat Tsukki.”

“I like.. reptiles. And you are a dog.”

“A dog? Not at all! My entire life revolves around cats! I got to cat school, I have a pet cat, my shirt has a cat on it my name means lion in Russian which is basically just a big cat— in the human kitty!” 

Lev did a sort of, paw gesture with his hand while making some sort of cat noise. Kei found himself chuckling at the absurdity of it. 

“And yet you act like a dog. More like a puppy. So excitable it’s disgusting.”

They both laugh over the comment and that’s when they wander into the arcade. 

That fuzzy feeling in Kei’s chest gets warmer and warmer throughout the day ranging from barely there to making his whole body feel warm. As the flashing lights and sounds of machines dinging filled Kei’s senses, he let himself be led around again by Lev by the hand. No, they were not intertwined. He was holding Kei’s but it wasn’t like before. No matter how much Kei liked it. 

“Tsukki! It’s Ketty-Chan!!”

Kei looked away from whatever eyesore of the machine he was gazing at to stare at Lev’s face. His eyes were sparkling and the bright pinks and blues from the machine reflecting off his face gave it an awkward sort of hue; that combined w/ his snowy silver hair made him look like an angel who had stumbled into some kind of acid-fueled rave and came out worse then he entered. Kei liked it though. 

“Ketty-chan. She’s that cat character my friend likes.” Kei spike out loudly. (He could barely hear Lev.) 

“I ADORE Ketty-Chan! She’s my favorite character ever!”

That was, frankly, adorable.

“Let me try.”

If Lev’s teasing smile wasn’t enough to urge Kei to try his surprised expression was. Was Kei good at claw machines? No. Did he like annoying plushies that cost too much? Yes. Immensely. Putting the coin in the machine and taking a deep breath, Kei began. The Ketty-Chan sat in the hardest place to get to— the very center surrounded by other, bigger plushies. How quaint.

Left for a few seconds, then down, then a little bit right again for good measure and finally before pressing the giant red stop button on the control panel Kei, in a shocking fit of boldness, looked over at Lev and winked. 

He winked. He had  _ dreamed  _ of winking at a boy so smoothly he blushed. Lev was blushing too. Kinda. Maybe it was just the lighting but he was smiling, a lot, and Kei was feeling higher than a fucking kite.

Until the Ketty-Chan was completely avoided by the claw and instead pushed out the way for a Pikapee plush. That fell. 

Lev was loudly howling as he slid down the glass wall of the machine. He was also laughing. The wink was for nothing. How mortifying. 

“I’m going to the bathroom real quick!” 

Once Kei was left alone he wandered around a bit until he found himself at the prize desk of the arcade. On the highest shelf sat a giant Ketty-Chan bigger than any of the other prizes in the building. It was the size of Hinata— no Yachi. 

“Excuse me- how much is that giant Ketty-Chan?”

“40 dollars.” 

That’s ridiculous. 

☾

“YOU JUST WON A GIANT KETTY CHAN??!!”

“Yep. Sorry, you missed it.”

Lev and Kei walked out of the arcade happily as they both stared at the giant stuffed Ketty-Chan plush Kei had ‘won’. Lev was holding her with both arms and kissing the top her head periodically. It was ridiculously big but somehow looked smaller in the Russian’s arms. Then again Kei looked small in Lev’s arms too. 

Things were going well so far, they were on schedule, happy and laughing slightly about volleyball puns? Something like that. Kei was too busy thinking about Lev’s lovely eyes when he stared at the giant toy or his dramatic frown when complaining about something or another. Kei was so happy he could die. He might literally die. 

On the way to the restaurant, Lev began to whine about how cold he was so Kei did what anyone would do and laughed at him. 

“You live here. You should have known better!”

“I thought my DATE would help me warm up! Instead I’m stuck all alone only having Ketty-Chan to embrace me!” 

Letting out a loud sigh Kei walked closer and somewhat awkwardly forced his arm through the opening between the Ketty-Chan plush and Lev, intertwining their arms. They now walked elbow in elbow, down the street looking away from each other in an effort to hide the blush they both now wore.

☾

“Does it really need its own chair?”

“Would you rather she sit on the FLOOR?”

“Of course not. She’s a walking hazard.”

They finally made it to the restaurant of Kei’s choosing. It was packed full of people, loud with the sounds of glasses clinking and people talking as they waited for food. The waiter had sat them at the fairly secluded table towards the back of the restaurant far from the eyes of the rest of the patrons. Due to the fact Ketty-Chan was basically the size of a full-grown child at smallest but leaning towards a teenage girl on the smaller variety, Lev and Kei had to sit on the same side. 

So there Kei sat. A wall to his left, a boy to his right and a giant 40 dollar toy staring back at him with it's blank, plastic eyes. Lev had decided he wanted to alternate between rubbing Kei’s hand lightly with his own and rubbing his things. It was distracting. And a bit much. 

Don’t get Kei wrong he  _ really  _ enjoyed it when Lev touched him. It was great. It was warm and hot and burning. The scorched his skin and left their mark on his mind for days after. But they were in a public place. A very crowded public place at that. Touches like this were already rare (they had decided to keep it above the waist during camp; mainly because Kei wasn’t ready to  _ give  _ himself to anyone; also because thigh hickeys were especially hard to hide at a sports training camp where shorts are the status quo) so Kei was at a loss about what to do. Did he say stop and just ruin their flow? Things were going well so far he didn’t want to ruin the mood. 

But he also didn’t want to confuse Lev. Teenage boys, especially volleyball obsessed idiots (big, stupid, and Russian idiots more specifically) are stupid. Assuming Kei let this keep going Lev might expect more than Kei was willing to give and that wouldn’t help anyone. It also didn’t help Lev was very honest in his emotions and would be the first person to tell Kei how he was feeling at any given time (those emotions could range from quote  _ ‘I’m so hard I could die Tsukki. I think I’m gonna die’ _ to  _ ‘if you tease me again I’m going to shove a volleyball down ur throat’  _ ).

Speak his mind and maybe ruin the mood or stay quiet and hope nothing comes from this…

“Don’t touch me like that Lev we’re in public. Also, ask first.”

It was only fair to give what you’re asked. Honesty was a virtue and Kei was always striving to be virtuous. He felt the hand leave his own and watched Lev’s expression carefully. His expression did seem to dim but only for a second. Moments later he was laughing and nodding along as if nothing had happened at all. But something did happen. Kei knew it. 

“You think our food is ever gonna come?”

“It’s been an hour and forty-five minutes. I don’t think so.”

“Wanna go?”

“Is that illegal?”

“Did we buy anything?”

“We both got pretty expensive drinks and did technically order.”

At this Lev thinks for a moment.

“Well, then it’s their fault for taking too long and making us even think about leaving. Also, the drinks suck.”

And with that said they, along with Ketty-chan, slinked out of the restaurant and into the night. 

月

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> ALSO HOW WE FEELIN HAIKYUU NATION!!!!!  
> TSUKKI AND LEV ARE SO CUTE OH GOD


	4. Tsukishima Watches a Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He likes sitting himself down or leaning over as if simply asking a question only to lean a little too close and landing on the pair of pleasant lips known as Lev’s. He likes letting his mind drift away as his body takes over, muscle memory after so many times, and lets his mouth open. It’s all very nice, very good. 
> 
> What he doesn’t like is Lev— more importantly how Lev does everything, ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: non-descriptive mentions of masturbation and the idea of sex in this chapter! They're just awkward teenage boys but you have been warned.
> 
> ENJOY!

月

Even after doing this dozens of times Kei never fails to burn the moment his lips touch Lev’s. It’s a dangerous burn too. It starts off controlled but eventually, almost as if inevitable, the heat swallows him whole. His mind goes hazy, legs go weak, heart starts thumping inside his chest and every crevice from his legs to his armpits get a bit wetter. It’s, on paper, a really nasty reaction and Kei has no idea why he likes it.

Well, that’s a lie. A bold one too.

He likes a lot of aspects of the whole process. He likes the initial thought of wanting a kiss; the idea popping into his mind in an instant or lazily coming together piece by piece over time. He likes letting the thoughts take over and allowing his hands to wander towards Lev and either pull him closer or push him somewhere else so Kei can access him better. 

He likes sitting himself down or leaning over as if simply asking a question only to lean a little _too_ close and landing on the pair of pleasant lips known as Lev’s. He likes letting his mind drift away as his body takes over, muscle memory after so many times, and lets his mouth open. It’s all very nice, very good. 

What he doesn’t like is Lev— more importantly how Lev does everything, ever. 

Lev is messy. And fast and loud and big. These all alone could be fun to have in a partner, interesting too. But in Lev it’s dangerous. 

Lev licks into Kei’s mouth in broad strokes, almost as if trying to map out the inside of his mouth or fish something out of his throat. He quite literally seems like he’s looking for something whenever they’re connected and it drives Kei crazy. In terms of loud, Lev makes a lot of noise. To be fair so does Kei but in different ways. Kei doesn’t like to think of the sounds he makes when they’re together, kissing or not, but apparently, he makes- quote- ‘the softest sounds ever, as if he was right out of some shoujo manga or something. How surprising for such a cold dick’. Lev, on the other hand, makes grunts and comments; he chooses to pull away from Kei (leaving him dizzy and wanting and so so warm-) and begins to speak. Sometimes it makes sense; usually, it doesn’t.

“Tsuki you’re so pretty it’s unreal!”

“Does it ever weird you put Ketty-Chan can see us when we do this in my room? I think it’s weird- wait don’t pull away!”

“Kenma was telling me about how some cats can be the sweetest animals in the world one moment and claw your arm off the next for even looking at them! That reminds me of you.”

“You’re a dick.”

“I’m hungry… wanna go to the Family Mart across from my house?” 

The fact that Lev is big plagues Kei’s mind a lot. Lev is the biggest person Kei has ever met. Everything about him is big: his hands, arms, legs, feet, eyes, smiles, thoughts, voice, opinion, (another thing attached to his body but not a limb). Maybe not his brains but, it only made sense that the way he showed physical affection was big too. 

But it wasn’t. 

Not always.

Sometimes Lev would stretch those giant arms of his all-around Kei, seemingly touching him everywhere all at once with ease. In moments like these Kei was a puddle in his hands, so content to stay like that forever letting himself sink deeper and deeper into the embrace. Then other times he’d act small, smaller than ever and get real close to Kei- as if he was embarrassed for what he was about to do- and would slowly connect their lips. His hands would still wander but it’s so much slower, so much softer. They cupped his face and rubbed his arms, sat on his back or held his hand. 

Moments like these, the slow ones where kisses lasted forever and thoughts trickled to a stopover time— those moments felt like swimming through pure molasses. Slow and sweet and warm; thick and smooth, soft and perfect. It was heaven.

Kei didn’t know what he was like, not really. Lev had tried to explain it once as Kei was lazily nipping at his neck. 

“You-you're very um, calculated in everything you do.” 

“Mm? Explain.”

“Y-you just, you touch in the perfect places and kiss the right way and it’s never _too_ much but always enough and just- god keep doing that-”

“Uh-huh.”

“You just you’re so smart and cold but you feel so warm with me and I’m- you- we”

“We?”

“We work well together Tsukki.”

After hearing this Kei sucks new hickey on Lev’s neck before letting go with a pop and kissing him on the lips again, pushing and pushing until they both fell over amongst the pillows around them. 

月

A little after winter break Kei and Tadashi we’re walking home from school together. The snow on the ground had gone dirty and brown, wetting everything it touched. 

“Me and Lev have a thing.” Kei spoke out into the silent air. 

“A thing?” Tadashi asked.

_It’s more than a thing. It’s multiple things. The kind of things I wanted with you and Tokito and Hinata and Kageyama but never got. Those things_

“Yeah.”

“What kind of thing?”

_The kind where he sticks his tongue down my throat and my hands go down his pants. That kind._

“We meet up sometimes. Hangout.”

“Are you dating?”

_We’ve never said anything. How can you do the things we’ve done and not be together. We’ve talked and texted and called, laughed and smiled and ran together. We experienced a lot of new things and tried new things and made new things together. Of course, we’re together but we aren’t- it’s not-_

“No. We're not.”

月

During dinner one night Kei’s mother commented as she sighed.

“Kei, why doesn’t that little boyfriend of yours ever come over? You always go to him”

“My- my what?”

“Is it so wrong for a mother to want to meet her son's, first boyfriend? I want to see if we have similar taste in men!” She finished her sentence by snickering into her cup.

“I- we- Lev isn’t my boyfriend.”

“His name is Lev? How exotic! He has to come over now.” 

“I don’t believe he’d have the time to come over.”

“Will you please just ask? If he can tell me his favorite food too won’t you? I wonder if it’s something Japanese… maybe I can make some American food… maybe French…”

Kei finished his food in record time that night and rushed up the stairs to shower, get dressed in his pajamas and sit on his bed staring up at the phone in his hands. 

_Wanna come over for dinner?_

_CAN I? (*´◒`*)_

_I asked, didn’t I?_

_…_

_MY SISTER SAID YES! IS THIS WEEKEND OK? ( ・∇・)_

_Yeah_

_What’s your favorite food again?_

月

Lev was at Kei’s house for the weekend. They were sitting on Kei’s bed watching whatever movie when out of the blue Lev spoke up.

“Do you ever think about sex.”

“What?”

“Well having it. Doing it. Whatever.”

Did Kei think of sex? Obviously. He was an active teenage boy with hormones and emotions and _issues._ Of course, he did. Though, it wasn’t impossible to imagine he didn’t he supposed. Kei rarely showed any obvious reactions to the stimuli that other boys his age did. Watching porn didn’t really do it for him, not for anything more than a quick session before moving onto the next thing. It was like checking a box of a list of things to do. Did he need to clear his head and get relaxed? A simple 5-minute video did just fine for his tastes. The girls at his school had no effect on him and the guys in his class were less than ordinary so nothing ever really stood out.

Then he joined the volleyball team and videos became even less useful than before but that never stopped Kei from finding a way around a problem. 

But here and now? Kei wasn’t thinking of any type of sex. He was thinking about one of the scenes from the movie they were currently watching, the scene where the young girl went outside and picked a flower for the first time. Symbolic. 

“Sure. Do you?”

“Yeah.”

They both stopped talking and continued to watch the movie. The girl had picked her flower and began to twirl it through her fingers as the other children watched in awe. They’d never thought of doing that before. 

Were they supposed to keep talking? Who spoke first? It was Kei’s house so maybe it was his job to keep the conversation going, but then again Lev was the one who brought it up in the first place. Who just says something like that out of the blue? During a movie of all times. 

“Do you- do you think about me?”

“You?” Lev replies back. They couldn’t look at each other. The room was still dark and the only light came from the laptop screen, still showing that girl in the field of flowers holding the one she picked. Kei swears he can smell the flowers.

“Yes. Me. When you- think. About it.”

“Ahh- Yeah. I do.”

“Okay.”

Kei wished his mom would walk in. Or his phone would buzz. Or his computer would freeze and start smoking and beeping and just explode atop them ending this whole conversation instantly.

How was one supposed to react when your (boyfriend? Date? Guy who jacks off to you?) significant other said they thought of you sexually. Kei didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t surprised as much as he was dazed. It wasn’t like this came out of left field entirely. It all makes perfect sense: Kei and Lev make out a lot, they touch a lot, they hang out enough, they talk even more and just they’re close. 

But Kei isn’t— he isn’t the definition of sexy. He didn’t have a very clear definition of sexy in his mind, truthfully, the word itself seemed to float around baselessly in his mind waiting to be associated with something or someone. He has a moment he had described as sexy, somewhat. When Lev was over or under him that was pretty sexy. But not really textbook definition sexy. But what made those moments sexy was Lev— not Kei. He knew finding oneself sexy was possible (he’s met Hinata and Tanaka it’s a given) but he had yet to have that inner awakening of ‘I’m hot enough to deserve _something’_ and didn’t know exactly how to begin the process. He for one just didn’t look right. Too tall, too many stretch marks, too much attitude, not enough motivation, eyes too boring, glasses too big, etc. etc. He was just himself. Fine but not, not Lev. 

“Do you think of me?”

“When I-”

“Yeah.”

He did. Hypocrisy was a hell of a drug. He didn’t understand what exactly Lev saw in Kei but he knew what he saw in Lev. Big, stupid, tall, large, Lev. His legs were long, eyes were pretty and striking, smile contagious, laugh beautiful and everything about him was exotic. It was almost to the point where it didn’t feel real to sit here with him, inches away from each other breathing in the same air, watching the same stupid fucking movie. But Lev was handsome and loud and stupid. 

“Yes. I do at times.” Kei said. 

The flower scene was over and had a hard cut to the field being completely empty, devoid of flowers. The movie was kind of shit.

“Do you want to…”

“Want to…?”

“You know…”

“Oh.”

Kei did definitely want to have sex. Eventually. Someday. With someone he loved— or at the very least tolerated. It’d be nice. Hopefully. Kei tried not to think of the details too much. He didn’t like thinking of any of this. Lev and him had something good going. They were comfortable as is. They had just recently grown a bit more touchy with each other without some sort of flinching or stopping. Sure it was a bit of a snail's pace considering how they started this relationship of theirs; it worked though. They kissed and laughed and hung out. They weren’t really together- Lev made that clear- but they were just as close. Sex wasn’t going to change that. Positively or not. 

Kei tried not to think of what could happen if sex was a defining feature in their relationship.

“I don’t. Want to I mean. No.”

Kei looked out the corner of his eyes and saw Lev staring ahead at the screen as his hands toyed with the dinosaur pillow in his lap. 

“Me neither. I don’t want to also. I- we don’t-”

“We’re good as we are.”

“Yeah.”

They stared at the screen. The field was still empty but the bud of a new flower seemed to be growing far from the others. None of the kids could see it. 

“You’d talk to me if you wanted to- um”

“I would. You would too-?”

“Of course. We’re, um, together.”

Kei’s room smelt like flowers and sounded like scissors clipping the stems off flowers when Lev put his hand over Kei’s own and leaned over to let their shoulders touch as they sat and watched the movie uninterrupted. 

月

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that the sex-talk scene was as uncomfortable/awkward to read as I hoped. I want you bitches squirming.
> 
> ALSO, remember when Hinata got his dick smashed in the newest EP by that stray ball? Me too. 
> 
> Anyway, you guys know the deal, comment your thoughts, praise me insistently, go on twitter and yell at me to be productive.
> 
> //Twt//@Burnttoastwbttr


	5. Tsukishima Makes A Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is all to say Kageyama and Hinata, in layman's terms, had a simple role in Kei’s life. The role of not being part of it. They had to ruin everything by trying to change that— trying to change him.

月

Kei wasn’t someone who changed often. He lived a life of consistency, even if it tended to grow a bit disappointing and more than anything repetitive. He enjoyed his life and the few people he allowed close enough to really matter. If life was a stage and living was the performance, Kei had been performing the same (somewhat depressing but mostly artistic) show for years and his friend and mother were the ever-faithful stagehands keeping everything working behind the scenes. With this in mind, it's important to realize without stagehands it’s impossible for any show to truly succeed in any capacity; on the opposite side, with too many stagehands the backstage grows cluttered and uncomfortable for everyone involved, especially the one and only actor who relishes in his lack of stagehands and consistency in performance. 

See, no one is really watching the performance at this point. Not really. A volleyball team, a few upperclassmen, a teacher or two. A small house to have watching one perform but to Kei it was perfect. That is until that amount shrunk by two and suddenly two random audience members (two loud, disgustingly skilled, overactive audience members) let themselves backstage and now it was too cramped and Kei couldn’t breathe. Also, the lights aren’t working and the curtains won’t close, the floor is caving in and all Kei’s lines leave his head as if they were late for an appointment they simply can’t miss (it’s the third reschedule they have to  _ go).  _

This is all to say Kageyama and Hinata, in layman's terms, had a simple role in Kei’s life. The role of not being part of it. They had to ruin everything by trying to change that— trying to change him. 

Hinata, from the moment he stepped on the court looking to beat Kei in their first-ever game in Karasuno, demanded more from Kei. During practice, he worked and working, striving to grow bigger in skill to overshadow his own lack of height. His attitude was infectious too, like an airborne disease contaminating any and all space Hinata took up. He demanded more out of life than he got, he demanded more out of himself and he demanded more out of the people around him. He demanded something Kei couldn’t possibly give— he didn’t have it. 

Kei didn’t have the unrelenting talent that Kageyama had. He didn’t have the untapped skill Hinata had. He didn’t have a lot of empathy and compassion like Suga or Yamaguchi nor the ability to energize others like Tanaka. He wasn’t energetic and strong like Noya and definitely not as powerful as Daichi and Asahi. He couldn’t force anyone to do anything like Ennoshita and at the very least he couldn’t even fade into the background like the other second years because of his unnatural height. He had nothing to give to someone who wanted ( _ deserved)  _ everything. 

Kageyama brought out the best in everyone too (by force and through means of more glares and half-broken smiles) but he still did. He made Kei need to work harder to catch up to him. If Kei was walking at a slow pace to get to the finish line, Kageyama was running and pulling Kei by the hand against Kei’s wishes. He was also a major dumbass too volleyball obsessed to know the difference between Russian and English but that was beside the point. 

Hinata deserved the world and Kageyama needed the best he could possibly get. Kei was neither of those things. 

But Kei let himself dream. He let himself imagine a world where he was energetic and athletic, cool and nice— just right for those two (for anyone to like him). He wasn’t alone in these dreams. He’d play volleyball happily with his team as his brother watched on from the stands screaming his name unabashedly for everyone to hear. Kei plays with a passion unlike his own; a giant smile plastered on his face with every point scored, enjoy every moment. When the game ended and all eyes were gone Kei would sneak away with the duo and do _something_ with them he could never do. He’d sit next to one of them on the bus home, undress in the locker room as they all chatted happily next to them, text and call outside of school with them like real _lovers_ friends do. 

These dreams never lasted long though. Seeing how they were based on the real-life experiences of watching Kageyama and Hinata sneak off together, hang out, play and laugh, just truly enjoying each other’s company— Kei always ended up more upset by the end of it than when he began. 

But it was fine. More than fine. Kei wanted to be part of that relationship but he never could. He knew that and was ok with that. Until he wasn’t. 

Until he wasn’t because Hinata and Kageyama ruined everything. They ruined everything and now Kei was, for the first time in years, a mess. They said everything Kei had ever wanted to hear in one sentence and it destroyed him. 

“We both like you Tsukishima.”

How was it possible for a single sentence to bring someone to tears? Well, it probably had nothing to do with the actual sentence. It was more like a water balloon filled with emotional trauma, heartbreak, low self-esteem, cold detachment from the world and a healthy dose of untreated depression. This water balloon had been sitting for years getting bigger and bigger and one sentence popped it. Like a dart to a board, hitting its mark on the first try.

In the moment Kei just stared as Hinata looked back at him, volleyball stretched out towards Kei’s empty hands. Practice had just begun too. Kei liked to imagine he was the picture-perfect definition of unbothered but if Hinata’s worried expression throughout the rest of the day said anything, it was that he wasn’t. But Hinata didn’t know how Kei was feeling. None of them did. Kei was fine.

He was fine when he changed out of his practice gear. 

He was fine when he left the gym earlier than Yamaguchi. 

He was fine when he passed the convenience store entirely. 

He was fine as he walked home alone in the dark, listening to the sounds of crickets in the grass and his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He was fine as he walked through the door and greeted an empty house.

He was fine as he walked upstairs to his room, went inside, set his bag down next to his door and walked into the bathroom to shower.

He was fine as he showered and after, fine as he got dressed. Fine as he walked back downstairs to get some water from the fridge and heat up some leftovers. 

He was fine as he watched the food spin slowly in the microwave, the repetitive sounds of beeping ringing in his ear, a stark contrast from the silence of the rest of the house. 

He was fine as he took the plate out the microwave, fine as he got a fork and napkin, fine as he sat down and lifted the food to his mouth.

He was fine as he watched his own tears mix with the sauce on his plate and fine as he felt his body burn so hot he saw the tears scorch the food it fell on top of. He was fine as the silence was disturbed with his own disgustingly loud crying, the ever uncomfortable sniffling and wiping of tears and a few broken curses.

He walked upstairs after cleaning his dish, tried to ignore his now wet sleeves, and crawled into bed. 

He muted his phone and went to sleep as his head laid in a pillow damp with tears and a head cluttered with thoughts all centered around one sentence.

月

Kei came to the realization that his relationship was shallow at best and non-existence at worst. It wasn’t something he noticed immediately either. Kei was a busy guy and didn’t have time to get caught up in his own head constantly (most of the time but not constantly). So he didn’t really notice anything wrong— until he did. 

Tanaka and Noya were being loud and obnoxious as per usual, their current topic of the day circling back around to the most important parts of a good relationship. Now usually Kei wouldn’t pay them any mind but, maybe it was curiosity, maybe just the fact he couldn’t technically change outside of the club room so he had to overhear, he listened. 

“The most important part is communication! If my girlfriend isn’t talking to me she obviously doesn’t actually like me!” 

A valid point to make. Surprising (seeing how it came from Tanaka). 

“Yeah that’s important but we have to have things in common! We have to click and mesh together well! Even opposites have things in common!”

That last part wasn’t entirely true, very incorrect actually but— Noya did have a point. 

“You guys are forgetting another important detail. You have to know each other well. If they aren’t actively trying to get to know me they don’t really care do they?”

Ennoshita the voice of reason, as usual, makes a good point. 

Kei finishes changing and walks out of the gym replaying the conversation in his head over and over all throughout practice. It all made sense. Any good relationship, romantic or not, needed all those things. 

So why, as Kei put more thought into it, could he not remember any of those things happening between him and Lev?

When it came to communication they… didn’t. Sure Kei texted Lev at times but neither of them were that good at holding long conversations with each other— usually, the conversation ended about 10 messages in without a single goodbye or anything. They didn’t call, texting was (as said) scarce and they didn’t live close enough to making meeting up and going on dates a feasible option often. The 2 dates they’ve been on were Kei’s idea and even though that was fun they didn’t actually talk all that much about anything. Conversations focused on volleyball and teammates and maybe a few shared laughs about the place they were inside or how dinner was but that was it. They didn’t talk. 

In terms of having things in common, that was hard to answer. Kei thought they had things in common. They both played volleyball, both had number 11 jerseys, both middle blockers, both like… both ...they… 

Lev loves cats. 

Kei is a dog person. Lizards too. 

As Kei dried his hair from the shower he thought about just how little he knew about Lev and by extension how little Lev knew about him. They didn’t talk much and couldn’t hang out obviously so they didn’t ever share anything about themselves. Kei knee three things about Lev, all of which is public information.

  1. Lev has an older sister.
  2. Lev loves cats and Ketty-Chan 
  3. Lev is half Russian but can’t speak any Russian. 



Did Lev know anything about Kei? Did their relationship have any substance to it? Had all the shared kisses and longing stares been for naught? Kei had let his mind run absolutely wild for this boy, a boy who by all means was completely different from any other boy he liked and was blind to the fact there’s nothing to work with? Kei has for the last 2 months, looked at Lev like he hung the moon and the stars for him and him alone but in reality, Lev didn’t hang shit. Lev went to the store and bought cheap moon stickers and put some up but then moved them a lot and they stopped sticking to the wall so now he couldn’t place them anywhere but Kei didn’t know that so he was stuck pretending there were stars and moons and magic and love and a perfect hot boyfriend all around him when there was— nothing. Kei was stupid and alone and misreading the whole situation. 

So Kei did what anyone who was spiraling would do and consulted his best friend. Yamaguchi was busy and couldn’t answer. Kei was entirely alone. 

So he called Lev. 

_ Ring _

_ Ring _

_ Ring _

“Tsukki?”

Lev felt like his throat closed up. Fuck. He shouldn’t have called. Shit. 

“Hello? Tsukki?”

“Do you like me?”

Ok so just busting right out the gate- ok. Kei didn’t know who was in charge of his brain right now but they were bold.

“Like you? Of course!”

“Lev why don’t you talk to me often?”

“Mmm… I didn’t notice… why don’t you text me often?”

Because Kei waits for everyone else to make the first move. He shouldn’t have to do it since Lev is the loud energetic one. He’s the conversation starter. Not Kei.

“Where’s that question coming from Tsukki?”

“I— are you happy like this Lev?”

“I’m happy.”

“We never talk.”

“We talk! We texted…”

2 weeks ago. 

“We don’t know anything about each other past volleyball. We don’t talk about anything past volleyball.”

“We both love volleyball! Of course, we talk about it!”

“Love volleyball?”

“Yeah!”

“Who said I love volleyball?”

“I mean, don’t you?”

“I don’t. Not at all.”

Fuck.

“Tsukki you’re thinking about this too hard. We don’t need to change anything. I like where we’re at right now.”

And where was that? The point where they were physical with nothing else to worry about? They’ve hung out 3 times without any volleyball involved and shared only 1 conversation with any sort of weight. That conversation was of course about the physical aspect of their relationship.

“How? We aren’t anywhere past where we started.”

“Is that so wrong? It’s simple. It works for us!”

Lev let out a chuckle but Kei couldn’t see the humor. 

“It  _ worked  _ for us. Now it’s only working for you apparently.”

“What?”

“I don’t want a relationship consisting of just being groped and touched in dark closets and volleyball filled conversations where my boyfriend doesn’t even know what my favorite things are.”

“I know your favorite things!”

It wasn’t volleyball— that’s for damn sure.

“School and music!”

“Proving my point as usual Lev.”

“Wow, ok. Asshole.”

“I wanted-”

“You were the one who  _ wanted _ to keep this as a one-time thing. You  _ wanted _ distance. You  _ wanted _ something simple. It’s always what you want Tsukki.”

“Stop calling me that.”

Neither of them spoke for what felt like hours. It was actually seconds. 

“So what does this mean?”

“Assuming you don’t change?”

“Me? What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You aren’t innocent here  _ Tsukishima.  _ You’re not the only person in this relationship.”

“You’re right but I sure feel like I am.”

They both go silent after that. 

“Fine. I think I’m gonna go then since we’ve said all we have to say. 

“If you hang up now we’re over.”

“Bye Tsukishima.”

And then the call disconnected. 

Kei for the first time in his life was dumped and just like any time he was faced with thoughts of a boy who didn’t like him, stared up at his wall silently for the rest of the night blaming only the guy and everything else he could think of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! Fun huh! *evil laughter*
> 
> ::  
> Anyway, you guys know the deal, comment your thoughts, praise me insistently, go on twitter and yell at me to be productive. It really means a lot when you do! (tbh I could really use the comments lately.. been a rough year so far..)
> 
> //Twt//@Burnttoastwbttr


	6. Tsukishima writes a paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the way Noya and Tanaka were shaking him (rather violently) you’d think he didn’t care. With the way the third years were looking at him you’d think he didn’t want to be there. With the way Yachi and Yamaguchi have been speaking to him (clipper tones, soft inflections. Open arms and curious eyes) you’d think he was upset. 
> 
> With Kageyama and Hinata? Whatever they did was no different than usual. Not that Kei cares. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID I EDIT THIS??? NO
> 
> DO I CARE ?? yes.
> 
> WILL I CHANGE IT? no. 
> 
> I JUST WANTED TO PUT SOMETHIN OUT. SORRY IF ITS DOGASS!!!! ily guys

“Is it just me or is Lev… sad?” 

Yaku looked over to where Lev was standing and stared at him. He was acting a bit slower than usual; at the beginning of practice usually, they couldn’t  _ get _ him to slow down (even after the most intense playing the day before). There was no loud laughter or back and forth conversations between him and Shibayama, no insistent chant of ‘Kenma-san Kenma-san’ or ‘Yakkun, Yakkun’. Weirder than just that he wasn’t… not quiet. When someone greeted him he would reply back just as politely, wave or bow as usual with a smile on his face. 

Yaku shrugged. “Maybe he just woke up weird or something. Probably nothing.”

Kuroo continued to stare at Lev up until their coach blew his whistle and they all got into the starting formation for warm-ups. In the cool air of the gym with the sound of squeaking sneakers in his ears, Kuroo thought about Lev and concluded that even the happiest of idiots needed to run out of serotonin eventually. With a shrug, he moved on assuming it was nothing worth worrying about, at least not yet. 

::

“You weren’t at morning practice Tsukki.”

Tsukishima continues to write in his notebook, his eyes never leaving the pages. He has this way about him when he writes, almost as if the whole process of writing was a chore (he probably thought it was) and the fast he goes the quicker it's over. He writes really quickly. He’s always written pretty quickly. 

“Daichi was pretty upset. Asahi-senpai was worried about you.”

Back in 3rd, no- maybe 4th grade, Tsukishima had gone through this phase where everything he wrote he only wrote with his left hand. For weeks all his papers looked like they were written by a 3-year-old. A blind 3-year-old. 

“I covered for you and said you had a meeting with the teacher. Suga-san laughed and accepted it pretty easily.” 

The teacher they had had, every day for about a month, held up every piece of paper Tsukishima wrote on and tried her best to read it to the class. Every time she would butcher all types of words, reading sentences completely incorrectly, pronouncing things as they were spelt (which was always the correct spelling but Tadashi assumed that the handwriting made it impossible to tell) and just making a fool out of Tsukishima. But he just kept doing it. He kept using his left hand.

“We used your absence as a blocking focused practice.”

Tadashi remembers sitting next to Tsukishima during class and watching him write. He wrote with his left hand, as he had been, but he didn’t slow down at all. He kept using his breakneck pace to write—even though it looked terrible. It was so bad. If it wasn’t for the fact Tsukishima was Tsukishima ( _ awe inspiring, cold, mean, tall, terrifying, cold-blooded and unafraid to look god in the eyes and lie _ ) then he would have gotten relentlessly bullied about his writing. Everyone talked though. That's all anyone their age did. Talk shit constantly. 

“Tsukki… What-”

But Tsukishima didn’t care. He never cared. He just kept writing with his left hand, fast as usual, without a care in the world. For a month he kept up the act and wrote. 

Then he stopped. 

When Tadashi asked what caused him to stop Tsukishima, mid lick, (they were eating ice cream at the time. Tsukishima had some sort of strawberry swirl in a waffle cone with vanilla sprinkles on top and a cup of apple juice. Tadashi doesn’t remember what he had) just looked down at his knees and said “I’m over it”.

“What um- what did you get on number 13?”

The next time he used his left hand to write was after he found out about Akiteru. That lasted for about 6 months. His handwriting had become more than legible in that time. No teachers could tell the difference anymore. After those 6 or so months he stopped using his left hand. 

“I was having a bit of trouble on that one... ”

He was using it on and off during the beginning of being on the Karasuno volleyball team. 

After the Shiratorizawa match he would only use his right hand. Even with the bandages and the finger cast. His handwriting was terrible again. He wouldn’t swap.

“I got 765.4. You didn’t divide correctly.”

So as Tadashi watched him point at his own page and then Tadashi’s page, looking at the differing answers for the problem, Tadashi noticed the pencil in his left hand. Writing as fast as ever.

::

Today Kei was laying on the ground and staring at the sky. 

He wasn’t really looking at the sky though. He was looking at the glass over his eyes and thinking about the glass over his eyes and seeing with the glass over his eyes. 

The glass on his eyes were the reason he could see the clouds above (the clouds he hadn’t been looking at). He was looking at clouds. Well, not really. He was looking at the glass.

Slightly scraped, oily fingerprints smudged, a bit of grime on the little plastic bits where one’s nose sits. 

It’s hard to focus recently. Kei has a hard time thinking. He finds his, already low motivation, is non-existent. He sits in class and watches as his teachers prattle along about something, he watches himself take notes on said something and hears himself answer questions. 

See, the only thing about this ‘haze of his’ that surprises him is how tame it is. Assuming he had the energy, heart, mind or focusing capabilities to care much for anything, he’d be asking himself ‘why am I not sobbing?’ or ‘why have I not had an emotional breakdown yet?’. The usual reactions to a breakup. 

But none of that happened. If Kei had to describe it, it would be like… watching a T.V show with the sound real low. He could hear and things were happening on screen but he was on his phone (of which represents… his.. something? Thoughts maybe? He didn’t know) and not paying much attention so he didn’t catch most of the whatever he was supposed to be watching. So he missed it but it’s there in the background— always playing. 

So he’s in class and he hears and sees the lesson but he isn’t listening. In one ear, out the other as they say. 

Walking through the crowded halls, head above the rest of his peers, the sounds of teenage  _ everything _ faintly ringing in his ears. Yamaguchi is talking about something. Kei  _ wants  _ to feel bad for ignoring him but it isn’t necessarily by choice nor can he actually bring himself to feel that bad.

Practice is different but not hard. Nothing is hard. If he doesn’t care he can’t be pressured to do better nor face any strife should he not be better. Practices remind him of how he felt towards the beginning of his first year. Uninvolved. 

Unlike during the beginning of his time on the team though, he is now expected to care. 

With the way Noya and Tanaka were shaking him (rather violently) you’d think he didn’t care. With the way the third years were looking at him you’d think he didn’t want to be there. With the way Yachi and Yamaguchi have been speaking to him (clipper tones, soft inflections. Open arms and curious eyes) you’d think he was upset. 

With Kageyama and Hinata? Whatever they did was no different than usual. Not that Kei cares. Not anymore.

Anyway, practice was over now and more than anything Kei just wanted to go home and sleep.

God did he want to sleep.

“Oi, Tsukishima!”

Kei looked up from his gym bag to see Tanaka standing above him, staring down at him similarly to how a young child would look down at an injured animal or some kind of small bug. With pity. 

“Yes?”

Was Kei so tired from practice that the usual pleasantries and respect given to any upperclassmen (especially one as  _ cool _ and  _ inspiring _ as Tanaka Ryuunosuke) were dropped from his tone (into a giant, whirling blender filled with happiness and cough syrup) and instead replaced with the nasty substitute of disrespect with an aftertaste of some sort of lingering sadness (the cause being  _ unknown  _ )? Yes. Did Tanaka know that? Probably not. 

“What do you do after practice?”

“What?”

“What do you usually do after practice? Like you walk home but- like, are you in any rush? You got a spare 30 minutes or so?”

Kei had a very specific after-practice schedule. First, he walked home with Yamaguchi and listened to him go on and on about the topics covered in class or maybe some stupid video that he saw during lunch or the (many) ways Noya and Hinata screamed in his ears in the span of 4 hours. They walked all the way to their neighborhood and then split up at Kei’s house. Kei would then walk inside, take his shoes off, call out for anyone in the house, receive no answer, get a drink and then walk upstairs and put the drink down on his desk and lay down on his bed for about 10 minutes- face down. That was just his pre-pre pajama process. It was very time consuming. Very emotional. 

“Do you need something Tanaka-san?”

It's not that Kei tried to make Takana’s face fall but it did. Was it the wording? The tone? The pure lack of interest? Maybe the lackluster glare Kei was wearing ? The truth of what upset Tanaka was unknown to Kei but what he did know is that he didn’t have 30 minutes to give to more practice or yelling or anything really. 

“I just wanted to talk to you. It’s important!”

They were alone in the club room now and Kei thought, for just a moment, that he might have to kill Tanaka. Or maybe himself, probably both of them- just out of necessity. For the sake of all that’s ever been and all that’ll ever be- if for no reason but to avoid that phrase ever being uttered— let alone said so  _ fucking confidently  _ by Tanaka Ryuunosuke ever again (Kei dying would be little more than a mercy kill and punishment for aiding in the use of the word ‘important’ in any context with Tsukishima Kei involved. One of the least important guys Kei knew). 

“Important?”

“Yeah!”

“Shouldn’t you study? You’re failing some classes right? I don’t think anything is more important than picking those grades backup Tanaka-san.”

Kei wished the hurt expression on Tanaka’s face did something for him. At least the sudden bright smile that followed pissed him off. That’s something.

“School isn’t everything! You’re such a dick Tsukishima, god! Just meet me outside by the vending machines damn it- and lose the fucking attitude! It isn’t cute!”

Tanaka leaves by ruffling Kei’s already ruined hair and walks out of the club room. Kei has half a mind to just go home.

It should be noted that thanks to a recent event (a very traumatic, very difficult event) Kei was left mentally scared. See, what happened was, he was scheduled to have his regular emotional check up as per usual but the nurses behind the counter (they’re just  _ so  _ busy and  _ so  _ cluttered) wrote his name for the lobotomy appointment instead of the usual knee hammer check up. So, just Kei’s luck, he was under the care of the very reckless and very dangerous Doctor Haiba. Terrible doctor, terrible man- all his nurses staring at Kei like he was the dangerous one here. Anyway so Kei gets put down into the wonderful haze of anesthetic (beautiful sleep, wonderful sleep, yet so  _ so _ short) and the surgery began. Only a little part of his brain was supposed to be destroyed but (and this could be blamed on the nurses) Kei awoke just a  _ moment _ too early and startled the doctor mid-brain destroying. And now, thanks to that little mishap, Kei was left with only half a mind left (see? Full circle) and some placebo pills to keep the pain away.

This is all to say, Kei didn’t go to the vending machines. 

::

Ryuu was a reasonable guy. Truly he was. He didn’t exactly think Tsukishima (the bastard) would just happily join him for a nice relaxing talk in the woods or anything but he also didn’t think he’d have to drag him kicking and screaming. 

Except Tsukishima wasn't kicking or screaming, he was just glaring.

Jokes on him. Tanaka could glare too. He could glare worse than anyone else on their whole fucking team. He was terrifying. 

But he wasn’t stupid. He saw the way Tsukishima had been looking the past few days. Glares wouldn’t help anything so instead he tugged Tsukishima by the arm and smiled.

God did he smile.

::

It surprisingly only took about 10 minutes of sitting on the sidewalk sipping energy drinks, sharing a family size bag of chips and Ryuu telling the story of his first love and heartbreak to get Tsukishima to open up. 

It was long since dark out and the sounds of passing cars were in the background of Ryuu’s talking. Tsukishima took his glasses off 5 minutes prior (something about not looking at idiots past his designated hours) and now the space between them was filled with their school bags. Ryuu rocked back and forth as he talked, just a bit, so the rough cloth of his bag rubbed on his arm as he moved. 

Ryuu had told his story a million times to anyone who’d hear it, Tsukishima being lucky enough to see the story unfold in real time. He sat and looked up into the sky and retold the age old (2 years old) tale of his undying love for Kiyoko (with a few romantic flings thrown in here or there). Sure his heart ached a bit as he thought of their past- their future and the present- but the feeling of warmth that filled him as he retold his first fall into the world of love was unlike any other.

“Tanaka-San… does it always hurt this bad?”

Ryuu looked over at Tsukishima and did his best to hold in a pained sigh. The younger boy was crying now, not in earnest like Ennoshita might have, or loudly like Noya, but almost as if he was trying to stop the tears from falling down his face. His eyes were growing wetter and redder by the second and his hurt expression told Tanaka everything he needed to know. 

The bag of chips sitting between them crinkled a bit as Tanaka moved his foot to tap Tsukishima’s own and the street lights above them flickered a bit while the question sat between them, solid and cold like a big chunk of ice or snow (or that snowy ice cone stuff). 

“Assuming it’s real? Yea. Always.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a long ass time because 2020 sucks my dick and terribly. Let hope the next chapters are better, brighter and edited. 
> 
> you guys know the deal, comment your thoughts, praise me insistently, go on twitter and yell at me to be productive. It really means a lot when you do!
> 
> //Twt//@Burnttoastwbttr
> 
> (send @neonmints some more love too)

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said this isn't a romance but uh- stan Levtsukki. If I must build this ship from the ground up I will. 
> 
> Please leave your thoughts in the comments below or on twitter! I need attention and validation or i will not make anything of note. Its a disease called being a fucking queen.
> 
> If you ever wanna yell at me on Twt about this, Levtsuki or just Kei, in general, feel free!!  
> @Burnttoastwbttr on twit!


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